Iš šalies. Savianalizė.

2008-01-27

Ar stebėjote save kada nors iš šono? Atrodo, neįmanoma. Nebent kas nors slapta nufilmuotų ar staiga sugebėtumėte būti dviejuose asmenyse iškart. Tačiau pabandyti juk galima. Tereikia atgaivinti prisiminimus. Nevertinti, nekomentuoti, neteisinti savo elgesio ir susidaryti apie save tik bendrą įspūdį.

Kodėl to reikia? Na, kam gi neįdomu, kaip atrodote kitų akimis? Galbūt pažvelgus į save iš šono suprasite, kad esate žmogus, su kuriuo norėtųsi susipažinti. Arba atvirkščiai – su kuriuo nenorėtumėte bendrauti. Juk jei nepatiksite net pats sau, vadinasi, atėjo laikas kažką keisti.

Mergina. Šviesiai rudi plaukai. Labai purvinas mažas automobilis. Geltonas šviesoforas, o ji, prisispaudusi prie kito automobilio galo, stengiasi spėti pasukti į kairę. Aplenkia vairavimo mokyklos automobilį. Spaudžia. Stabdo, išleidžia iš stotelės troleibusą. Rodo posūkį, pasuka. Prilėtina ir susiraukusi niurzga: “Tai ko tu posūkio nerodai, p*****, iš kur man žinoti, kad tu čia sustoti ketini”.

Įsuka į kiemą. Sėdi mašinoje kelias minutes. Atsilošus į sėdynę. Išlipa: raudonas paltas, juodas šalikas, juodos pirštinės, raudona rankinė, juodi batai, džinsai. Pagriebia nuo galinės sėdynės kelis žurnalus. Užrakina automobilį. Eina paskutinės laiptinės link. Ją pralenkia vaikinas, surenka laiptinės durų kodą ir palaiko jas, kol ji ateina. Ji nusišypso, linkteli galvą ir užlipa laiptais. Patikrina rankinės šonines kišenes, išsitraukia raktus. Atsirakina duris, įeina vidun, užtrenkia jas ir atsisėda ant pinto “pufiko”.

Paglosto murkiantį katiną, kuris trinasi jai aplink kojas. Išsitraukia iš rankinės mobilųjį telefoną, skaito žinutę, Pradeda rašyti. Nepabaigus skambina. Kalba piktai, susierzinusi. Vaikšto koridoriumi vis dar nenusivilkusi palto. Kalbėdama vis paglosto katinui galvą, o kai tas išsitiesia ant žemės, kaso jam pilvą. Kalba apie 20 minučių. Supypsi telefonspynė. Ji pažiūri pro durų akutę ir jas atidaro. Vidun įeina vaikinas. Ji ranka parodo, kad kalba telefonu. Atsisveikinusi su pašnekovu padeda telefoną kambaryje ant stalo ir pakšteli į lūpas vaikinui. Apkabina jį.

Tai buvo gal prieš savaitę. Net ir iš šio trumpo savo gyvenimo epizodo galiu analizuoti savo elgesį:

-Žinau, kad kartais neatsargiai vairuoju, ypač važiuodama iš darbo. Daug keikiuosi mašinoje. O ką? Darbe negalima, namie nenoriu, kitur viešumoje negražu. Kai vairuoju viena, išlieju visą savo pyktį. Ir iš kur jo tiek daug?

-Reikėtų daugiau šypsotis. Mėgstu žmones, kurie šypsosi man, tačiau kai pati esu susiraukusi, juk nesulauksiu šypsenų. Sako, šypsokis, tau tinka. Žinau, bet kai jau pusantrus metus neturėjau atostogų, šypsena kažkur dingo.

-Myliu savo katiną. Kartais jo beribis meilumas grįžus iš darbo ima erzinti, tačiau vis tiek gera, kai kažkas pasitinka grįžtant. Turbūt negalėčiau gyventi be naminio gyvūno.

-Pastaruoju metu esu irzli. Darbai, artėjančių vestuvių reikalai, žiemos depresija… Taip, man depresija būna žiemą, o ne rudenį. Todėl, kad myliu pavasarį ir labai jo laukiu. Nes tada mano gimtadienis, tada nutirpsta sniegas, tada grįžta paukščiai. Mėgaujuosi pavasario oru.

-Pastebiu, kad telefonu imu daugiau kalbėti nei rašyti žinutes. Anksčiau vien tik rašydavau. O kai už lojalumą gavau 700 nemokamų minučių, ėmiau kalbėti. Jos jau baigiasi, turbūt vėl teks priprasti prie rašymo. Visgi kalbėti ilgai nemėgstu. Todėl tuo pačiu metu užsiimu pašaliniais darbais, kad ir katino kasinėjimu.

-Esu išmokyta užrakinus duris jas patikrinti, ar tikrai užsirakino. O kažkam atėjus, paklausti “Kas ten?”. Dabar jau nebeklausiu, žiūriu pro akutę. Na, negaliu bet kam jų atidaryti. Net jei pamatau kažkokį neaiškų tipą, neatidarau. O ką, čia mano namai, duris atveriu kada noriu ir kam noriu.

-Myliu savo brangiausiąjį. Vis dar taip pat smarkiai, nors draugaujam beveik 4,5 metų. Klasiokė klausia: “Laura, ar tikrai meilė trunka ilgiau nei trejus metus?”. Tikrai.

Ar noriu keistis? Noriu. Tapti linksmesnė, daugiau šypsotis. Laiptais ne lipti, o šuoliuoti. Kaltinu aplinką: darbą, rūpesčius. Bet pirmiausia reikia keistis pačiai. Gal net nelauksiu pavasario – vysiu depresiją šalin. Juk oras dabar taip primena kovo mėnesį.

Kategorija: Visko po truputį | Komentarų: 192

Žavinta

2008-01-27 18:45

Visiškai tave suprantu. Nuoširdžiai. Praeitos savaitės mano apmąstymai panašia tema kaip tavo dabar baigėsi tuo kad penktadienį ant mano šefo stalo atsirado prašymas atleisti iš darbo. Užsibrėžiau daug gražių tikslų kurie turėtų pakeisti mano gyvenimą jei ne 180, tai bent 90 laipsnių kampu.
Tad jei nusprendei kažką keisti – nedvejok!

Dina

2008-01-27 19:00

Ech, tas erzulys kartais.
Vis dėlto, laimingi žmonės tie, kurie turi galimybę kažką ne tik keisti, bet ir versti tradicijom.

Salomėja

2008-01-27 19:20

Sėkmės, aš vis bandau bandau.. Bet tu žinai, kad man nesiseka. Palinkėsiu, kad tau pasisektų.

Martynas

2008-01-27 20:45

Savianalizė naudinga tada, kai padeda tobulėti, o ne gniuždo. Manau, kad tobulėjimas yra tada kai įvertini savo elgesį ir, esant reikalui, koreaguoji jį. Gniuždymas – kai kaltini aplinką arba save, bet negalvoji ar nepasiryžti keistis.

Sėkmės tobulėjant!

Blogorama #321 : nežinau.lt

2008-01-27 21:08

[...] iš šono nei tiesiogine, nei perkeltine prasme. Veidrodžiai nesiskaito, nes nuolat meluoja. O ką jei imtume ir pabandytume daugiau mažiau sąžiningai pasižiūrėti į save iš šalies? Aš pasibaisėčiau. Ir blogiausia – negalėčiau trenkti durimis ir daugiau [...]

Aurimas

2008-01-27 22:15

Puiki ese, mane suzavejo tavo istikimumas, bramdumas ir nuosirdumas. Dek sau daugiau pliusu, ir maziau mastyk blogai tai kenkia daug labiau nei ziureti bukai i televizoriu…

Saulius

2008-01-27 22:15

Džiugu, kad esi pasiryžusi keistis, tik neužmiršk mūsų, skaitytojų, informuoti kaip sekasi progresuoti. O savianalizę gana dažnai ir pats naudoju.

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