Mintys mintys

2012-01-18

Kažkur yra bėda. Atrodo, esu pavargusi ir ką jau ką – bet užmigti turėčiau akimirksniu. Per naktį atsibundu milijoną kartų (8 iš karto dygstantys dantys yra menkas juokas) ir vis sunkiau darosi užmigti. Niekas netrukdo, bet… galvoje tiek minčių, kad miegui vietos nelieka. Jos apie viską – nuo to, ką rytoj gaminti valgyti iki užsienio politikos. Siaubas.

Kartais taip besivartydama norėčiau prie galvos prijungti kokį aparatą, kuris mintis užrašinėtų. Tada ryte paredaguočiau ir bloginčiau. Vis kažkiek naudos būtų iš to besaikio galvojimo. Atrodytų, kas čia tokio – imi ir negalvoji. Avytes skaičiuoji ir panašiai. Bet jei bandau galvoje nusipiešti avytes, tai nemažai laiko praleidžiu tobulindama jų išvaizdą iki begalybės, o tai jau irgi papildomos mintys. Gražių esu “pripiešusi”. Kai atsibosta piešti, imu galvoti, “o kodėl avys?”, na, ir… suprantate.

Jaučiuosi kaip Liz iš knygos “Valgyk. Melskis. Mylėk”. Kodėl? Pacituosiu: “Kaip visi žmonės, niekaip negaliu įveikti budistų vadinamo “beždžionės proto” – nuo šakos ant šakos šokinėjančių minčių, sustojančių tik tam, kad pasikasytų, nusispjautų ar pastūgautų. Mano nežabotos, nedrausmingos mintys lekia iš tolimos praeities į nežinomą ateitį dideliais šuoliais kas minutę pasigriebdamos po tuziną idėjų.” Skirtumas tik tas, kad Liz bėda yra minčių pobūdis, o mano bėda – pačios mintys. Kaip Liz jos neleidžia susikaupti ir medituoti, taip man jos neleidžia atsipalaiduoti ir užmigti.

Vakar bandžiau galvoti konstruktyviai ir ieškoti šitos bėdos priežasčių:
a) man trūksta intelektinės veiklos
b) aš per mažai išsikalbu ir išsidiskutuoju (žodžiu)
c) aš tiesiog visą gyvenimą per daug galvoju

Baisu yra tai, kad sutinku su visais trim punktais. Tiesiog dirbant ar daugiau būnant viešumoje (kas žiemą su mažu vaiku yra sunkoka) mano besaikis galvojimas būdavo arba išsakomas, arba realizuojamas, o dabar mintims tenka sprogdinti galvą naktį. Dieną galva būna užkišta tokiais dalykais kaip “vaikas krausto purvinas bulves iš dėžės po kriaukle”, “katinas tuoj privems ant sofos” ir “pypt, pypt, pypt, nekenčiu kilime paslėptų medinių kaladėlių”, o žodžiai būna “negalima stumdyti knygų iš lentynų”, “dabar eisim valgyti/praustis/miegoti”, “paspausk va čia, o dabar pažiūrėk, kaip čia galima pasukti” ir “aunamės vieną batuką, o dabar kitą batuką”. Ir aš laukiu nesulaukiu, kol vaikas ims kalbėti ir klausinėti, nes tada galėsiu iškalbėti visą savo moterišką žodžių limitą ir minčių gal nebebus tiek daug.

Kategorija: Visko po truputį | Komentarų: 111

Donatas Noreika

2012-01-19 9:22

Tai užrašyk tas mintis, paskaitysim, padiskutuosim :)

Laura

2012-01-19 13:18

Matai, dieną ne taip gerai dėliojasi :)

Jolanta

2012-01-20 0:52

Mielai padiskutuociau…zodziu.Todel ir siulau porai dienu isvaziuot.:))

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